


Helen's Apoca-Tips for the Apocalypse!

by modestsphinx



Series: The Eyepocalypse is Peak Comedy Fodder [1]
Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Canon-Typical Worms (The Magnus Archives), Crack, Gen, General Crude Humor and Idiocy, Humor, Lists, Nonsense, Post-The Watcher's Crown (The Magnus Archives), Skippy's List, Skippy's List Adjacent Anyway, mild body horror, post-eyepocalypse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-28
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:02:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26689372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/modestsphinx/pseuds/modestsphinx
Summary: A helpful guide to navigating the Eyepocalypse, as brought to you by everyone's favorite manifestation of the Spiral (and as amended by people who aren't trying to get you killed)!
Series: The Eyepocalypse is Peak Comedy Fodder [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1998112
Comments: 19
Kudos: 90





	Helen's Apoca-Tips for the Apocalypse!

_as Amended by the Archivist and one Martin Blackwood because Helen is an Avatar of the Spiral and Lied a Great Deal on the Original Draft_

  1. If you see a sign referring you to the Lukas Family Meditative Retreat, Memorial Garden, Safe House, Yacht Club, Casino, Renaissance Fair, Singles Mixer, etc. and feel tempted to investigate, just know that Martin is very busy and as such has instituted a strict policy of One Extraction from the Forsaken per Person. If you fall for it twice, you had better hope that someone out there loves you.
  2. Haan's Family Barbeque is people! But if you chose to eat meat in a world without animals, then that seems like a _you_ problem.
  3. On this note, rumors of a living cat in what was once London can be neither confirmed nor refuted.
  4. Jane Prentiss is no longer allowed in the Mortal Garden. Sorry dear, but Jared says your worms are ruining his orchids! Furthermore, anyone wishing to visit the Garden from a Corrupt domain must undergo a quarantine of no shorter than fourteen (14) existential crises in the Lonely.
  5. Mostly!Sasha has taken over stabilizing the Carousel provisionally following Not!Sasha's obliteration, but as she's intending to leave for the Circus travelers in the area would be wise to acquire a slow (and disposable) friend. Soon.
  6. Just because Trevor, Julia, and Daisy make "Knife Tag" look fun does not mean it is survivable by those who do not belong to the Hunt.
  7. Capitalism is not an emerging power* and it is not recruiting. That's just Magnus in a spare body trying to get a multi-level marketing scheme going.
  8. The Archivist doesn't like it when you attempt to return 1,724 of his discarded tape recorders.
  9. He especially doesn't like it when you tell him they are all named Michael.
  10. The Stoker Brothers Circus (formerly the Circus of the Other) is currently trying to construct a very long stick in order to poke the ol' Eye in Sky right where it hurts! So if you've got some duct tape to spare or some futile rage to vent, maybe it's time to visit the circus! Says Tim: "Of course it won't work, but what else is there to do?"
  11. Breekon and Hope are not delivering pizza, flowers, marijuana, or anything else not existentially terrifying that anyone may try to convince you of.
  12. On this note, trying to rob them is mean as well as stupid. If you do - and survive the attempt - you will be detained so Mike can throw you into free-fall until you learn some manners. Simon, stop doing it for a cheap thrill or Hezekiah will abandon you in the Choke. Nobody cares if it's "not the same when you do it yourself".
  13. Crucifixes will not ward off the vampires, nor will garlic, silver, holy water, wooden stakes, or other traditional apotropaic measures. You should not attempt to test this; doing so would require you to slow down when you really ought to be running.
  14. Vandalism of the Doors should not be undertaken lightly. If Michael notices, they'll probably help you. If Helen (not me, the other Helen, that is me that is not me that is not Michael who is not Michael who is not Helen who is not me - that Helen) notices, you had better have used the proper primer and a tasteful paint color. There will be hell to pay if you haven't. If we're existing in the interstices of identity between and beyond Michael and Helen at the time, we'll probably just chuck you down a corridor for a while. Be prepared for any and all eventualities, or don't do it.
  15. There is not a "pillow-fort of epic proportions" at the center of the Buried. And that is not an invitation to create one, _Tim_.
  16. The Slaughter's Eternal War is not over whether or not a taco is a sandwich, if toilet tissue is meant to go over or under the roll, the acceptability of peeing in the shower, or anything else Melanie might have told you. Just because she's a former servant of the Slaughter does not mean she is a reliable source of information regarding it. The whole point is that the War isn't over anything and its Avatars are starting to get offended. If you need to antagonize someone, pick people with fewer knives.
  17. Do not self-identify as a "monster-fucker", even as a joke! They're proving to be a real nuisance to the Vast, the Stranger, and the Flesh in particular. We here at the Spiral think they're a hoot, but everyone else is getting rather touchy - pun not intended!
  18. Prank-calling the Mother of Puppets is a bad idea.
  19. So is playing Knock Down Ginger with the Doors. It boggles the mind that this needed to be said - _they can follow you_.
  20. Eye Avatars understand all languages and modes of communication, including but not limited to Morse code, all forms of sign, fictional languages (e.g. Elvish, Klingon, High Valyrian, etc.), Pig Latin, and interpretive dance. If you really need to complain about them, Callum curates a "call out" wall in the Dark.
  21. Nikola does not have your best interests at heart. She's just bored since she lost the Circus. Should she offer to help you "pull a prank" on a friend, you ought to know that her idea of a prank is skinning two people and swapping their faces, leaving them alive but in agony. She won't even bother to make them fit properly!
  22. The Avatars of the Extinction would prefer not to be called "Junior", "sport", "kiddo", "little one", "half-pint", "sweetpea", or any other infantilizing nickname.
  23. They don't like "garbage-men" either. In the same vein, referring to their domain as "Arma-garbage-ddon" won't win you any friends.
  24. They are also not from the future and are unable to reveal to you your ultimate fate. And even if they could, they definitely wouldn't write you weekly horoscopes, Tim.
  25. Humans are not allowed to ask for the day off of Fear-torture for religious reasons, _especially_ on the basis that the world is going to end/is ending/has ended. That is not a new development and we are your Gods now.
  26. Serving the Hunt does not make you a "furry". Daisy Tonner doesn't actually know for certain what that means, but I'm afraid she _will_ still kill you for saying it.
  27. The Sandman does not like the Pat Ballard song "Mr. Sandman", and singing the same around it will result in the loss of your eyes - at best!
  28. Georgie Barker may not experience fear, but this is not true of all Avatars of Terminus. That is to say, stop sneaking up on poor Oliver! He's very easily startled, and it's a simple matter for him to kill accidentally. Those veins of mortality can be rather fussy to navigate!
  29. Basira Hussain has requested on behalf of the Beholding's Avatars that people stop demanding Compulsion be made available for couple's counseling.
  30. Yes, some of the Desolation's Avatars are extremely attractive. No, that will not be accepted as an adequate explanation if you smuggle them fireworks. They were taken away for a reason!
  31. Yes, Jonah is still attracted to cake. This is the apocalypse after all - not even Avatars get nice things.
  32. Avatars cannot be bribed with souls, first-born children, sexual favors, cool rocks, or anything else. Just because the Archivist once bartered bones with Jared doesn't mean you can, too; if you're in the Mortal Garden your skeleton already belongs to him.
  33. The exception to the above is Lydia Halligan, who accepts coffee.
  34. Avatars are also not metaphysically bound to honor arrangements made regarding games of chance, drinking contests, riddle competitions, dance-offs, etc. unless they _really_ want to. They were probably just bored and you're still fucked. Sorry!
  35. Tim's "Grifter & the Pipers" t-shirt business is a joke. Don't go to one of their concerts. Just don't.
  36. Despite the fact that time isn't really working just now, Basira does not have the leisure to judge the impact of your new gimmick on humans.
  37. Helen is not allowed to bring swatches and staging furniture into the Processing Plant, Wonderland House, St. Bleeding's, or anywhere else she has not been explicitly invited, regardless of the "potential of the space". (Oh, boo!)
  38. The Ceaseless Watcher is not "the Eye of Sauron", "Big Brother", or "a Beholder". Yes, it is a giant eye. It is also a giant eye _that can hear you_.
  39. The Great Beast is not a giant mobile orgy and attempts to turn it into one are in poor taste.
  40. Additionally, trying to attract it to squish spiders or insects is dumb, overkill, and will piss off the Mother/Filth as well as the Falling Titan.
  41. Jonah will require you to do paperwork at some point. Apparently neither ruling over an apocalyptic hellscape nor getting everything he ever wanted is sufficient to dampen his fetish for bureaucracy. It's a poor hill to die on, so just grit your teeth and do it.
  42. The Archivist is not "Spooky Google" and begs you to stop asking him if various public figures are secretly Avatars and what Fear they feed. He also will not use his abilities to help you find your lost wedding ring, keys, phone, pet rock, etc.
  43. Unfortunately, walking behind the Archivist and narrating his actions mockingly is a bad idea, no matter how funny it is. While he won't Behold you for it, he has learnt to throw a surprisingly good punch.
  44. If it makes Helen giggle, it's a bad idea.
  45. For the love of all that's holy, we are _Avatars_ , not "sugar babies"!
  46. Lastly, have fun out there! It's a fearful new world (if you'll forgive the wordplay) and we've all got captive audiences waiting to see what we come up with!



* _the jury's still out whether any one Fear can take credit for it, but the Web is currently winning that argument because no one can find them to properly have it out_

**Author's Note:**

> Not that continuity or clarity is particularly important to something as incredibly stupid as this, but! The presence of Sasha, Tim, Jane Prentiss, and other dead characters is explained by two things: a) I wanted to make stupid jokes about them and I'm the author and b) a rough idea that maybe they were subsumed by the Entities instead of just dying and were brought back in the Eyepocalypse.
> 
> Also, this is the first fanfiction I've ever shared publicly before! I'm still learning site conventions so if I've messed up let me know.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] Helen's Apoca-Tips for the Apocalypse! | written by modestsphinx](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28492563) by [Tipsy_Kitty](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tipsy_Kitty/pseuds/Tipsy_Kitty)




End file.
